Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Mama's Been There, Too

Most days of my life are..... just fast.  A quick blur of smiles and sloppy messes on the floors.  Children's laughter and laundry on the line.  Food to cook, faces to wash, etc....etc.

I love it...honestly.  If I could tap my kids with a magic wand and make them stay this age {with me} forever...I might consider it.  We live a happy full life.  God is good.
The water dam broke today.  The storm clouds have been gathering for a few days.  The swelling river flows rushing forward and over it's boundaries.    Unstoppable.

Every few months....so it seems, my heart gets heavy.  Really heavy, like I can't breath.  My prayers seem hollow.  I feel alone....in a country that no one really cares if I'm here or not.  I wonder why I have to make all these sacrifices.  It feels like I'm the only one.

Something happened, while we were out today, that finally brought the tears.

{whispered} I even have those {very} dark {very,very} rare moments when I.......resent this calling.

 I can't believe I said that out loud.  I feel kinda scared admitting it.  I know God's ways are always perfect and just.  But, in those low valley days I wonder....
Why me?  I know a lot of others who would be way better missionary wives?  Why here?  Souls need to know about Jesus in my hometown too.

I want to rock my new born nieces and nephews.  I want to sit on the window seat and watch birds with my Grandma.  I want to drink coffee in the morning with my dad.   I want to watch the stars on a deserted county road....in safety.

This isn't one of those posts where I tell about my dark side and the great miracle that happened inside me to make me full of sunshine and lollipops again.

to post?....not to post?.....back and forth... {tapping fingernails on the desk...}

I'm not writing this so I'll get some, "poor little missionary wife" comments.

No, sirree.

I'm writing this so when my daughters grow up to be beautiful Christian ladies and follow God's path for them, if they come to Mama and say, "I feel so alone."  I can look them in their face and honestly say, "I know what you mean, baby.  Mama's been there before too."

16 comments:

Laine said...

Hey Maria,

Just wanted to tell you I will pray for you today.

I think we all have those times in ministry. Although I'm not a missionary, just a state-side pastors wife, it's hard to not feel alone and overwhelmed sometimes. And sometimes all the "junk" adds up and then the tears flow. Thank you for being yourself and for being real. Take care!

Jessica said...

Ahhh, You're not alone, Maria! I think we all struggle with those things!!!

Hugs and Prayers to you!!!!

The Sommer Family said...

Maria, I've been there - and probably will be again. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your burden. You are in my prayers.
Patty

Melissa said...

Love you Maria! Thank you for keeping things honest and not sugar coating everything! I pray the Lord will continue to greatly bless you all!

Chris, Carole, and Clan said...

You are definitely not alone! I could have written your whole post, word for word. Praying for you today!

Jolene said...

Praying for you, sweet sister!

Juf said...

You know, I always appreciate reading honest blog posts like this, and hearing that nobody else's life is perfect either!
Take care and God Bless!
Jacqueline

Joe, Laura, Gilbert, Danny, and Bonnie said...

I've definitely been there, and I think it is a normal occurrence. We have what we call "I hate Africa" days every now and then; it's a good thing that we both don't usually have one of those days at the same time. Hang in there! Love, Laura

Jeanie said...

Okay Maria- - you hit the nail without a doubt - - and it's not pleasant. These times will come, but it's what we do with them that makes all the difference. I had a few years where I denied it, but I had to face it head on, and with a dear sister beg the Lord to fill my heart with gratefulness and contentment. Gratitude is the biggest key. Gratitude that, God didn't NEED me to get this job done, but He blessed me with the awesome privilege of being used in His service. I will always have times when I miss my family and "home". But I can choose to thank Him for choosing me. (And yes, we desperately need to pray for each other in this area!) Love you dear girl!

Jessi said...

Been there, and I will probably be there again. It scared me when bitterness crept into my heart for the very people I came to love and to win. I really appreciate your honesty, Maria, and I am praying for you just as you prayed for me a couple of months ago.
Your friend,
Jessi

Rhonda said...

Thank you for sharing, Maria! Like so many ladies before me have said, I've been there, and know how it feels! Don't get discouraged! It will be worth it all! God bless you with grace and strength! ~ With love, Rhonda

Judy Zander said...

I feel the same way lately in my beautiful little Iowa home in the country. Insignificant. Missing having family down the road from me... I will be praying for you. {It will get my mind off ME!}
Love ya!

Tinyla said...

I am glad you posted this Maria! I am not overseas; but sometimes I feel like I am. Sometimes the ministry is just a lonely place...seemingly. Stay encouraged and know that you have a friend who loves and prays for you and your family daily! - Tinyla

andie jaye said...

wow. what a poignant and powerful post. very raw and honest. and it's okay to think those types of things. we would not be human if we didn't question God's will sometimes. your family seems like such a blessing to many people.

thanks for visiting the other day. am now following you too!

blessings! andie

missionary mama said...

Wow! This made me tear up. You are not alone, dear friend!

hill said...

wow. thank you for completely and totally sharing your heart. your words are so beautiful and so is your heart. thank you for linking up. we are all being blessed by your honesty.
xoxo.

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