Monday, July 9, 2012

i had a hard heart

(I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago but didn't have the nerve to post it.
  It keeps coming to my mind so I believed I should share it.)

I didn't drink my morning coffee until 3:00 in the afternoon.
yes, it's been one of those days.

ya know, I think summer is in Jamaica.
sweat was dripping off my chin while I tried to apply some makeup...
 so as not to scare off the natives.
with my hair pulled into a  twisted bun
 that {sadly} resembled Ma Kettle I dashed out the door to church.

when it was time to begin it was sad to see so many empty chairs.

am I the only one who feels that twang of disappointment
 when you put so much effort in something and have such a small return?
the heat is getting to the kids in my class because I almost had to stand on my head
 to get them to sing louder and focus on the lesson.

after Sunday School I gathered my little ones and herded them into the Church room.
as I settled down into my hard folding chair.
mosquitos by the droves came to feast on my legs.

I won't lie or try to make it flowery.
I was hot. I was sweaty.
 my legs were sore and itchy from the beating I was continually giving them to crush the mosquitos.
there is was.  I felt it.  That inkling in my head that asks, "is any of my effort is paying off?"
all the uncomfortable-ness.....all the sacrifice?

sometimes living for God is hard.  Sometimes doing His plan for your life is harder.

I allowed myself to wallow a little in self pity and gazed around at chairs that were full.
"God what is your plan?"
"Why are there days when it looks like all of our effort is in vain?"
only yesterday, I walked the roads of the Valley.
  ignoring the heat, baby on my hip, passing out Gospel tracks and invitation to the service.
THIS service.  who cared?  who noticed?

we all stood up and the song service began.
I sang loud.  I had a smile on my face.
 I had a hard heart.
all of a sudden
God spoke.
my breath catches as I think about it.
right there to ME.  did the little {ornery} boys goofing off beside me notice?
did the lady standing across  the aisle from me realize it?
no, it was between me and God.

the room was filled with the words of the song
 "We are standing on Holy Ground... and I know that there are angels all around..."

Holy Ground.

God knows.  God has a plan.

count your blessings


Unknown said...

I have the same feeling OFTEN! Thanks for sharing your heart. It's nice to know I'm not alone, and to be reminded that God sees. He is here.

Be Thou Exalted said...

You are not alone! I know you know all the verses but I thought I'd share a few!

I Corinthians 15:58
Galatians 6:9
Psalm 61:1-2

Praying for you dear friend!

Jessi said...

I've been there before too. Love and prayers.

Amy-Marie said...

Thank you for this as I too have a hard heart every now and then, but I too will smile and sing and no one truly knows but God. So thankful He loves me and softens my heart so I can continue to serve Him!

Anonymous said...

i know those days oh too well. be encouraged and do not grow weary of doing good for in due time you shall reap.


Stacey Mowery said...

Thanks for your honesty, Maria, for it inspires the rest of us! I, too, have had days such as this and the Lord always seems to put the right song in our heart or the right person with a comment out of the blue that reminds us our purpose. He is good!!!

Tinyla said...

Been there too many times!!! (It is about 103 - 107 degrees here in Newport. I have to confess that I am not always eager to go on visitation!) - We love and are praying for you. - Tinyla

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