Wednesday, February 18, 2015

a mama's nightmare

I couldn't decide if I needed to finish about our family going through chikungunya or just let it pass.
               But honestly it was a chapter in our life
          that led to many paths
                      we weren't expecting.   And that's never easy.

So I decided to record it for my children. I need them to remember and know how proud I was of them for being so strong and really stepping up to things when I needed them.

Most talk the last few months has been on me.  Big ol' tall me.  Many do not realize that our daughters went through the same suffering as me.  That is a mother's nightmare.  The hardest thing in the world.  Watching your children being sick or in pain.  It is torture.  Literal.  I would rather go through anything else than to watch my children hurt.

During October and November all four of our daughters caught the painful chik v also.  Each child was affected differently.  Brynlee and Eden just had pains but in different areas of their body and at different times, also Brynlee had the full body rash afterwards.  Alexis got the very high fevers and for 2 nights hallucinated.  Honestly that scared the wits out of me.  Moriah got all of the symptoms.  Pain in her joints and especially wrists and legs. She was unable to walk for 2 days and had very high fevers.
There are times on the mission field that are joyful and exciting.
  Times that are slow and mellow.
  Many days I relish in the slow pace and empty calendars
 where my kids and I can spend time enjoying each other
 and the simple life.  

Then come the days where the simplicity of life on the Island scares me so much the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

I'm talking about the times when my babies are hurting or have a medical emergency and there are no doctors or hospitals near by.  Time stands still.  I can't breathe for fear of what the next second will hold.
In our 5 years in Jamaica with 5 little kids there have been many frozen moments when I almost question our decision to live where we do.  (yes, I'll admit it) We've gone through bumps on the head that knocked them out, fevers that went so high they didn't know who they were, breathing complications, dengue fever, bike wrecks, rusty nails in the foot, etc.

Completely putting your children in the Lord's hands is much harder to do when it is actual and not just something you say, or plan to do.  Sure, we all say "this is in the Lord's hands".

For a missionary wife it is literal.  

Learning to fully trust the Lord has been an extremely painful lesson but one of the most rewarding lessons learned on the  mission field.  I LOVE the reality that comes when God is real not just a Sunday School storybook character.  This is a priceless gift to give our children. But also has changed me as a person.  The relationship with the Lord when you fully and completely and whole heartedly lay everything....including your children in His hands is one of the most freeing feelings.

I write this to record to my children
 how strong you are and how the Lord is building our faith in Him.  

Also, I want those in the States to not be hard on the missionary wife
 when she is at your church and keeps her children close to her side.
  You don't know the trials she's been through
 and nights she's stayed awake fearfully watching her sick children sleep.
Or the many prayers she's sent up knowing she was completely hopeless to help.

God is good, all the time,

photo credit


David and Dee Dee Sterling said...

Amen! Very good post, Maria!

Kami Gimenez said...

Love you Maria! Love your honesty!

Seaweed and Raine said...

I have considered mission service in the south pacific on more than one occasion in recent years - but my husband has been more reluctant (as an IT professional, I can see his point), but I have to confess, each time the kids have an accident (like when my 2 year old crushed the bone in his finger in a chain and sprocket and ripped the nail off, or when my middle child had whooping cough as a 5 week old baby), I have been more than grateful to be in a location with good medical service. And yet, even then, there are times when their fevers are so excessively high - even with medication - that the night is spent in a bleery daze of prayers and not much sleep. I think perhaps mamas do that. That perhaps the feelings of helplessness is something innate in us when we can't change a situation. When we can't do a thing to help our children. You have been in a series of trials. I feel for you,and what you all went through. But you are so right, God IS good. All the time. And His grace IS enough for us. Stand tall in the knowledge that He knows your name. He knows your every thought. He sees each tear that falls, each drop of sweat, each time you fall and have to get back up again. He sees and rejoices when you do. And when you are too tired to keep your eyes open, he says, "Maria, come sit on my lap. Rest your head on my shoulder. Sleep now. I've got this."
Blessing on you and your family. I'll be praying that you are all restored to full health soon.

Tinyla said...

Amen, Maria! I hate to see my kids have a cough let alone pain, fever, etc. Love you! Praying for you guys.

♥ Amy said...

Hi Maria,
I've been praying for you each morning since I read your last post and I've been wondering how you were. Last week, I happened to see your last newsletter on the wall at church and was so surprised and saddened to read that several of you have been sick and that you were with your family in the states. I should have been praying much more, but God knew your needs and He never left you even for a second. So thankful you are all in His care and praying for complete healing!
Love, Amy

Jessi said...

My children have had minor illnesses so far here in Kenya, and I thank God for that. But I remember that helpless, totally depending on God feeling when we were in PNG more than 10 hours from the nearest doctor.

I've been praying for you. I hope you are all fully recovered from that virus.

Your strength and trust in God through this trial has been a blessing to see.


Melissa said...

Maria, I love your blog! I have kept you all in prayer since your last post. I love that you are so honest and let us see your heart. It helps me know how to pray for missionaries! Love you!!

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